Breakups and Divorce from the Perspective of Family Constellations: 6 Key Points

Patzia Gonzalez

  Happiness has a very short attention span,
 it forgets what came before.
 Unhappiness, on the other hand,
 has a very long memory.
~Bert Hellinger 

  

“Sexual relations create a deep and binding bond. When a man takes a woman as his woman; and a woman takes a man as her man, sexual consummation creates a deep, unbreakable tie that affects the soul. This tie is stronger than that of parent and child and makes it hard to leave the relationship without feeling guilty.” 

 Break-ups hurt; love pain is one of the worst pains we will ever feel. When the relationship is over, we tend to forget that once we were happy, passionate, in love we forget we chose to be with that person. We ached to see him / her, talk to him, and go out with her. And suddenly we become enemies, with passionate anger, resentment and hurt pride. 

 We hire attorneys to help us get back, get even, get everything from our former beloved, and many times our children are pawns to this unfortunate game. We long to be right, have our complaints addressed and be avenged through the legal system. At some point, it’s important to remember several key points:  

 The couple is separating; parents do not divorce their children.   

  1. Many times custody is awarded to one parent, limiting the other parent’s access to his or her children. So it’s crucial to remember that both parents keep all their rights and all their obligations.   
  2. Children cannot take sides against one parent without part of their soul being affected. They need to know that whatever is happening, is being experienced between adults. They need to know that even if you now dislike your ex-spouse, you are happy that your soon to be ex-spouse is the child’s other parent.   
  3. The children need to know that you will both continue to be their parents, and that in him (or her) you honour your ex-spouse.   
  4. Children are not their parent’s confidants. Even grown children should never be put in this position… please find a therapist, a support group or friends with whom you can share your grief, your anger and your resentment.   
  5. Children are not messengers or go-between the parents. Adults can communicate with each other without using the kids. Fortunately, there’s email and Messenger, so you don’t necessarily have to do it in person or on the phone.   
  6. Saying “You’re just like your mother/father” should be heavenly praise for a child, not an insult.   

 Separations ere excruciatingly painful, and they bring up a lot of previously unresolved grief. When a person is willing to face the pain, and allows this pain to enter their heart, their body and their soul with all its intensity and bitterness, this pain usually—most of the time—is short even though it seems it will never disappear. Nevertheless, when a person goes through it, taking responsibility for their pain and their part of what went wrong in the relationship, suddenly they wake up one day and notice the pain is gone, it’s done. Even though they may still have to work through some issues, they can now start looking at the future, and finding the gift in the awe-ful situation they have just survived. 

Children also go through a grief process and need a lot of support, empathy, and understanding. It may be hard for a grieving parent to be able to be there for them, therapy can help. Usually children feel responsible for their parent’s break-up and feel very guilty about it. When we can respect our ex-spouse in the children we will help ease their pain. 

Counselling and EFT can greatly assist in the process of rebuilding your life when your relationship ends; and as a support during the legal process of ending your marriage. 

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